wow, it seems much longer than a week. I was thinking that it’s funny how we go up and down so much. It feels great to meet those goals, but oh so easy to slip into bad habits. I think there are those people who lose weight and make a total life style change and then those who lose weight to lose weight and I’m one who loses to lose and has a hard time maintaining.

So with that said, I’m again down to 161. ugh, not happy being here..

Oh my gosh, I had forgotten how good exercise feels! ya, ya, I know I’ll whine and complain WHILE doing it, but after, I feel so good! The only down fall is that I have to shower after lol. I’m a “shower every other day or three days” girl lol. It’s a lot of work to shower and get ready daily lol!! But it felt good, I’m excited!

My friend, Susan, and I have decided to do the Weight Watchers points! I knew that I felt motivation coming any day, but wasn’t quite there until she said she wanted to drop a few lbs. Something in my clicked (again), and I started my points today! I always loved doing the points. It’s fun for me to see how many points I get, etc. I know I have done this a few times and it should be a whole life style change, but I’m weak lol. It is what it is and I’m happy to be starting again.

We also signed up for a month at the rec center. We are going to go Monday, Wednesday and Friday’s. My hubby is buying a treadmill and I’ll do that on the off days. That’s one thing I have missed…EXERCISE! It really did make me feel better and I liked being in that routine.

So, anyways, today I weighed in a 162.2. That’s 20 lbs heavier than my lowest this summer. 10 lbs away from my goal. 142 was too extreme for me, not realistic to maintain.

so here I go!

Why does maintaining weight have to be so hard? Why do we have to be so obsessed with “getting to our goals”? So, it’s Feb 17th. I am weighing in around 165. It’s so easy to put weight on, isn’t it? It’s so easy to reach for that chocolate or other guilty pleasure!

This past summer, I was at an all time (adult) low weight. 143. It was too unrealistic to be at that weight. I’m 5′10″ and not small boned. My comfortable weight was around 150-155. It wasn’t until a couple weeks ago that I was sitting at my computer and a friend was over. My stomach was spilling out of the jeans I had on and I had to grab a blanket to cover it up because I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin. I’ve said this before, but I’ve always been worried about my weight, even when I shouldn’t. I must have some kind of body image problem…well not must, but I do have a body image problem. But looking back, at 150, I was comfortable. Did I always have good days and think I looked good? no, certainly not, but the days of feeling fat were fewer and further in between! Now…it’s every day. Many times a day. ugh, why must it matter so much (to me)?!!

I have a great family, good friends, kids who love me for me and not for my weight. I have a husband who will spend hours trying to convince me that I’m beautiful and even go as far to show me pictures of woman “before skinny was in” to show me that woman are beautiful with curves and meat on their bones! When did I develop this WANT to be rail thin?! A long, long time ago, I can tell you that much! and I would NEVER wish having a bad body image onto my daughter! Never!! I’m so grateful that for some reason, unknown to me, when I had kids, I stopped talking about how bad I looked. And trust me, It used to be constant. I’m very open with my body in that I’ll get dressed in front of my 5yr old girl and if she has questions about my body, I tell her and I never say what I’m thinking! For some reason, that part of me who was always down on myself (vocally), has stopped in front of my kids, and I’m so so glad!

Ugh, anyways, I’m pretty sure no one comes here anymore, I just needed to vent to myself. I’m not promising I’m going to lose weight, or even promising I’m going to try. That would be a lie. But I do know that I’m not comfortable with a muffin top hanging over my jeans! Maybe I’ll eat a little less and walk a little more….who knows!………………it’s a hard battle!

Well nothing spectacular going on here. I’m down to 148.4 (yay for the 140’s) and It’s going slow, but steady. LOL, I guess I”m not planning on winning anything, but for me, I don’t need to do this fast and hard because it’s not realistic. So that’s where I’m at. Just checking in..

I was 150.0 today. Oh, I’m excited to see the 140’s again…I belong there lol.

So just a vent and whine. We started the BL over again last month. it’s been 37 days and not one person from this new comp ( isn’t already a  friend) has commented on my posts. For those of you posting and getting comments, how does it make you feel? GOOD huh? It’s motivating and encouraging to get comments from others! I makes me feel bad that just because my blog doesn’t have a live feed where people can see if I’ve updated, no one obviously checks this blog. So what’s the point? I’ve had this blog since our first BL comp and I lost over 40 lbs! Although I’m not perfect and make mistakes, I feel like my story is there to motivate people, but no one is looking. It bums me out. I have everyone on my BLOGLINES account so I know when people post new posts and I’m trying to leave support and comment on others blogs. The sad thing is, that no one comes here, so no one will actually see that I’m disappointed that I have no support from our BL group. There are 35 girls in this comp! Anyways, I guess I just needed to say that for me.

Here was my weigh this morning. I’m happy with it! wow, dirty floor and scale he he…I always fix my pictures in photoshop (just a habit) and ps isn’t working right now. It’s driving me nuts to see the picture look so bad LOL.

I also has my 5yr old take a picture of me for my “before” picture. these jeans were ones I bought in Park City at the end of the last BL. They are 9/10’s and they were SNUG when I bought them, but clearly I gain my weight all in the mid section!!! ARG…and it’s sad that in 10 lbs, my boobs wont look that that anymore lol. It’s funny, wouldn’t it be nice if we could pick and choose where the fat leaves and comes???

Goals for this month:

* Continue to walk/run 3-5 times a week (GOT to make this a MUST)

* WATCH my eating. For hell sakes, I have a hard time with this one!

* OH and one more goal! I want to be able to do a push up!! I have weak arms and have wanted to be able to do a push up for a long time. I know huh? ONE push up! Hopefully MORE!

I’m still here, saying around 152 and I’m okay with that. Would I like to be less for my own satisfaction? Yes…but I’m in a healthy range, I’m not over weight and I don’t look bad….so right now I”m okay.

I ran today. Ran more than I have yet since we started. Not far, but faster…..

got to go get my son from school….

I went walking with Ben today (my nephew). I was pushing the stroller and I think it helps with circulation because when I walk normally, my hands puff up and I can feel kind of a pressure, if that makes ANY sense?! Well, anyways…it was nice to have something to hold on to lol.

On my walk today, for the first time since I started walking this time around, I felt the urge to run and so 4 times during my walk, I ran a little. Not a lot, but it felt great! And let me tell ya…there’s nothing more motivating than running and realizing you are about to run by some “good” runners lol. I was on my way back home and noticed two boys, probably from a high school track team or something, running towards me. I was huffing and puffing and was going to stop, but didn’t want to look like a pansy as they ran past not even breaking a sweat So they passed, I ran just a few more houses and stopped lol.

It felt good to run! (and seriously, it wasn’t a lot of running, but enough for me to break a sweat!)

So today is the weekly weigh in, and I was 152.2 lbs. Down from the beginning…gain from the last time I weighed. I’m okay with it. I know I’ve been doing better and happy that I’ve been out walking and making my heart and body healthy! So with that said…I’m off to get my kids ready for school and go on a walk with my nephew Ben. It will be fun to push him and add a little extra on my walk.